Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Three months later, the tumor on his right scapula had continued to grow downwards & in thickness as well and began to pinch on Merlin's spinal cord causing nerve pain throughout his body and weakness in his limbs. Homeopathy, Tramadol and Metacam were of some aide but it was clear that the days ahead would get more difficult. Merlin was also dealing with breathing issues, pain in lungs on deep breaths- all of this made worse by his fall the week previous.
Our one on one time increased to 100% this last weekend- snuggling & cuddling, keeping each other company as we snoozed or i read. We held paws & gazed in each other eyes appreciating all the love we have for each other. It was both beautiful and heart wretching for me.
A good friend of mine, who is an animal communicator, spoke with Merlin Monday morning and we saw our vet in the afternoon hoping that she might have some 'pain management' suggestions. Merlin travelled well to the vet and was able to show us that he could stand up when necessary.
What a brave beautiful boy !
He had however made it clear to us, through the communication, that if we could not make things more comfortable for him within a day or so- that he was ready to go that day. I had spent the afternoon 'getting ready' for that outcome but a part of both Merlin & I just wanted to cancel the apt and hold out another day or two. It took courage for the two of us to head to our new vet as we did.
Mama Shawna was there to greet us and we settled into a room on the mattress beds i had made for Dingo & Merlin a number of years ago, a sheet and two pillows so that Merlin could prop his head on. Merlin was very calm- i had not given him any remedies or drugs or herbs before we left or when we got there. I had them with me but he was calm & accepting of this process. He was ready to move out of his body since the vet felt it was time too.
An IV catheter was put into place and the most peaceful euthanasia experience i had ever witnessed unfolded. Very slowly- Merlin relaxed into a sleep and his heart slowly came to a stop by the time the barrel of the seringe had been emptied out- his head gently resting on the pillows.
He was surrounded by love: Mama Shawna, who had bottle fed him some 11.5 yrs ago stroking & talking to him… the vet, super mindful, sensitive and appreciative of how incredible Merlin was being & how loved he is… and me holding, kissing and saying how much i love him. We got home at 6pm and with the help of Bruce we were able to dig Merlin's resting place & surrender him to the earth by dark.
I am heartbroken and the vast emptiness of my home without Nimue, without Dingo, without Merlin is hard to bare. I do not believe in the rainbow bridge and cannot take comfort in that concept. I do know that Merlin's spirit is now free and will be with me always, as are Nimue and Dingo, but first I have to grieve my loss. It's me that I'm crying for. I am grieving the loss of my love, my companions and the end of an era for me at Twilight.